Category Archives: mattsimpson.ca

Board Room Of Snakes

So there is this movie out now… Something about snakes on a plane or something stupid like that. ha. It seems that a bunch fat cat executives and their slave-type man-boy assistants tried to write a movie as part of their mid-life crisis.

I seem to have found this dialogue from their first meeting:

INT. FANCY BOARD ROOM – MID AFTERNOON

A fancy executive type board room full of fat cat executives and their slave-type man-boy assistants. WALTER struts into the full board room cackling at something on his cell phone, followed by TIMMY, a spineless errand boy with his arms full of books and papers.

WALTER
(insincerely)
Sorry I’m late gentlemen, I was… stuck in traffic if you know what I mean. (cackles aloud, alone)

So I have all this money, damit, lets make movie… A scary, scary movie… one that people will be scared of… really scared of. (cackles aloud, alone, again)

Timmy, what are people scared of?
TIMMY
(cowering)
Dust?

WALTER
(impatient)
No

TIMMY
(cowering)
The IRS?

WALTER
(more impatient, yelling)
No!

ROGER, a fat cat from Texas on the other end of the long table speaks out.

ROGER
(yells)
Snakes, I hate snakes. Crazy little critters, yeee hawwww.

WALTER
(delighted)
YES, snakes! Snakes are good.

SIMON, ROGERS slave-type man-boy assistant, whispers to ROGER.

ROGER
(disgusted and ashamed)
Flying? Boy, you’re scared of flyin’?

ROGER, about to go off on SIMON is interrupted by WALTER.

WALTER
(excited)
That’s it! We’ll make a movie about snakes on a plane?

TIMMY
(confused, cowering)
But, what is it going to be about boss? What would it be called? How would snakes get on a plane?

WALTER
(invisioning)
You idiot, it’s about snakes on a plane, snakes on a plane, and who cares how they got there.

ROGER
(excited)
Yeee hawwww.

Anyways, thats how that script I, erm, found said it initially went down. I believe it. Then I’m told they found some out-of-work writer, who happened to be addicted to meth, to actually write the movie.

Then when they actually showed the script to someone who knew what they were talking about, sh@t hit the fan as described in the other dialogue I, erm, found.

EXT. PATIO IN AN UPSCALE CAFE

Fat cat WALTER waits in anticipation as JEAN-PIERE a French artisan-type movie director dressed in black reads in horror the script which he must now direct because of a lost bet about loafer lightener.

JEAN-PIERE
(repulsed)
Vat is dis? You caunt be serious?

WALTER
(completely not getting that JEAN-PIERE is repulsed)
Isn’t it great! Lets get started.

A single tear runs down JEAN-PIERES face.

JEAN-PIERE
(crying)
Dis will ruin me? De only thang that would make this acceptable…

(his face lights up)
Is… is…

WALTER waits eye-wide in anticipation.

JEAN-PIERE (CONT)
A single good actor… no critic previews… advertising which vill cost more dan de movie… and most importantly… release it ven there is absolutely nothing… nothing… nothing… else in da theatres… (smug, evil look on his face)

WALTER
(confused but ecstatic)
My movie making dream will finally be a reality!

Yeah, so there you have it. The dialogue of the making of that movie about snakes… on a plane. Embarrassing stain on Hollywood? I think maybe. You?

Jeeves, News Please

So I’ve always been one of those people who gets angry at people who win lotteries and blow all their money on stupid investments, expensive houses and fancy cars that you’d be scared to drive for the fear of someone running into you. My theory is, keep what you need to enjoy the rest of your life with your family and friends and do something with rest that will cement your name in history, such as paying for a new cancer centre at your local hospital… or bettering the lives of people who actually need it.

That said, I would do one stupid thing… I would like to hire someone to read the news, all the news, or at least a lot of the news, and tell me interesting things on demand… I’m talkin RSS feeds, local papers, foreign papers, anything and everything. Then summarize all of that news into brief conversations that I could ponder in my spare time. If I was really interested in an article, maybe they would also be required to do extra research and provide a detailed report or something to that effect.

I used to read a lot of news, almost exclusively through RSS feeds, but I found that it cluttered my brain with things I wasn’t super interested in and I never did find a good way of training any RSS readers to read everything and show me stuff I’d be interested in.

E-Mail Scams Scram

Being a long time “netizen” I probably deal with more spam, scam and virus e-mails than anyone else I know. Thanks to SpamAssassin and Thunderbirds’ fantastic bayesian filtering techniques I luckily only see about 5-10 of these messages per day in my inbox, the rest (at least 100 – 200 messages per day) are being filtered through to my Junk folder and deleted.

Spam is one thing, but some of these damn scam e-mails are something much more diabolical. Now I’m not talking about the ridiculous Nigerian 411 scams that only work because of human greed… I’m talking about messages like:

Dear Matt [which just happens to be the first part of my e-mail address]
Yada Yada… this is notice to inform you that the credit card information that we have on file for your account will be expiring in the coming months, please log into our website and update your billing details. For your personal security, please type “https://www.ourcompany.com” into your web-browser’s location window or click the following link [evil_link]https://www.ourcompany.com[/evil_link].

Sincerely,
Real Name
Valid Company Inc.
http://www.ourcompany.com

Now being that long time experienced “netizen” I can spot these things (usually really quite easily because I use text-only e-mail)… and I know not to click on links in e-mails, period… but how am I supposed to explain that to unsuspecting friends, my father, etc? They look at me like I’m a nutzo paranoid crazy man if I tell them they can’t click links in e-mails at all, never ever, no matter what or who it’s from.

Here’s something that made me laugh today (again because of all my net-experience)… I received a virus e-mail that actually got me concerned (for a few seconds anyways). I actually called WorldPay before I did anything, just to confirm my suspicions and that this was infact a hoax message. It is honestly the first time I’ve ever given any significant number of seconds thought to one of these messages; therefore, it’s a valid share and besides Google has nothing on this yet:

Hello

My name is Dave and I am from the Support of WorldPay.

We have received the payment order (ID 0220712,Receipt Date 09/07/2006) from you and we need to make a verification of the details you have filled in, as we have received a notice from your card service stating that there was a chargeback made by the owner of the card with which you have made the payment and that your level of authorization has been altered during your last transaction.

This is a very serious matter. We have deducted the amount of the chargeback, GBP 149.89, from your account and added our standard fee of GBP 24.00 as well (you can see your payment details in the attachment).

We have failed to contact you using the telephone number you have provided earlier, meeting no response.

As a precaution, we have limited access to your account in order to protect against future unauthorized transactions.Please understand that this is a security measure intended to help protect you and your personal information.

Please contact your credit card company to resolve this matter.

Best Regards,
Dave Gollick
shopper@uk.worldpay.com

Yes there was some pour grammar in the message and true there was no “Hello [firstname] [lastname]”, but I deal with card processing quite a bit and I actually know WorldPay and their services, plus there were no links off-message… It was enough to get me thinking anyways. Of course the major tip off was the attachment. Why the heck would WorldPay attach a .zip file of the unauthorized transaction? Either way, that quick call to WorldPay confirmed that indeed it was a hoax. Question solved.

I’m actually not sure where I was going with this blog entry now… I was just annoyed and thought it would be fun to share… so yeah, I’m leaving now.

Earth To Amy!

So my friend (and co-worker) Amy is somewhere down in Peru right now on a three week * “vacation” and we were just sitting around the office a moment ago wondering what exactly she is up to right now. Perhaps she’s wandering around Lima, perhaps she’s taking flight over the mystic Nazca Lines, perhaps she’s even hiking the ancient Machu Picchu Trail… What ever she is doing right now, she is probably having the time of her life and enjoying a touching, life changing, cultural experience. She sure is a traveller.

So Amy, cu-do’s and enjoy your trek! Oh and a big high five from Canada, in the odd event that you are actually reading my blog while enjoying your time in a small rural Peruvian village. erm… prolly not, at least I hope not. Oh but in case you are, HAPPY belated BIRTHDAY (it was yesterday). Our birthday wish for you was that you don’t have to endure the eating of small rodents while on your vacation… of course being a vegetarian and all, not because eating guinea pigs is weird or anything. erm…

Safe journey and we’ll see you when you return. We’re looking forward to reviewing the 4GB’s of photographs you’ve taken while away, on Flikr no less.

* The word vacation is in quotes because to me, a vacation entails being served copious amounts of strawberry daiquiris while sitting on my ass in a beach chair by the warm ocean. For the love of all that is holy it’s called “Vacation Time” Amy; not “Haul Your Ass Around The Globe Time” geeze! haha. But of course when I return to work after a vacation, I’m “dumber” to the nth degree as a result of all the booze and sun versus you returning smarter and energized as a result of your touching, life changing, cultural experience. But come on! *thinking of the Simpsons episode when Homer is walking down the beach in a speedo, singing “I’m in Ri-o! And I’m walking on the beach, I’m a speedo!”*

Cozy New eHome, Open For… Who?

Well I finally got my sh@t in order and spent the time required to get my personal website up-and-attam; so without further ado, welcome to version 1.0 of MattSimpson.ca. I’m not sure how regular I will be blogging on this site (hopefully at least weekly) but it’ll be a place (mostly for family and friends) to check up on me and see how everything is going.

Since I’m technical, I’ll start with the technical… for anyone who’s interested: Yes, I’m a PHP developer who is quite capable of building my own complex site from scratch; however, I’m smarter then that… really! Instead I’m using a WordPress installation for the main website, with a modified version of the K2 theme (SVN) which uses my own photography and artwork. For my Photographs section I’m using Gallery2 with the WordPress to Gallery2 (WPG2) plug-in installed to integrate my Gallery2 installation with my WordPress website.

Overall, I’m very happy with the outcome from a software standpoint… Everything is working really well together. I saw no reason to reinvent the wheel for a personal website, and I’d rather spend the development time doing an upgrade to ListMessenger.

Other then that, enjoy the site if you’re visiting. Feel free to register and comment on any posts if you desire… I’m pretty sure I have that setup 😉 Thanks for coming out!

Passport to Pass Port

I’ve recently been following some wrangling rants from various Canadian political big whigs including Stephen Harper, miscellaneous business giants and even civilians who are all up in arms about the United States requiring border crossers to have valid passports or advanced ID to enter the country by 2007.

I don’t normally side with the US Congress on issues (not because I have a vendetta or anything, but because they’re usually wrong), but I don’t really see the harm or major Economic impact for that matter that this will supposedly cause. You already need to show birth certificate / drivers licence when crossing the border, what’s the big deal with getting your passport? Sure it requires a bit of work on your part, but come on, everyone should have a valid passport anyways.

As for Canadian businesses that cross the border every day, the Canadian government will have to come up with a solution sooner rather than later, so stop complaining and start pressuring the politicians to get their ass in gear and come up with a nice RFID solution (which is already in use by Americans at 5 border crossings). I mean geeze, the technology doesn’t have to be invented or something, piggy-back on the existing Homeland Security project already.

Again, normally I don’t like to follow a US led anything, but I think Canada should have a similar policy at our borders. No passport, no entry… simple as that.

Goodbye Children, Bye Chef

Andrew just sent me a link to a post over at 411Mania about Issac Hayes wanting to leave the voice of Chef from South Park because he is upset about a recent episode that pokes fun at Scientology.

Issac Hayes upset over Scientology episode…

Issac Hayes is trying to get his release from the TV show “South Park.” He has served as the voice for Chef since 1997 but is apparently upset over the show’s recent episode making fun of the Scientology religion. Hayes is a Scientologist.

“There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins,” Hayes says. “Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored. As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices.”

The reason I find this so comical is that it actually took South Park making fun of his own religious beliefs before he was upset enough to want leave the show. I don’t seem to recall any outbursts when they were making fun of Christians, Jews, Jehovah Witness, Muslims, Barbara Streisandism, etc, but when they make fun of Scientologists and Scientology it was no longer comedic satire, but “intolerance and bigotry”.

I’m sure there is more to the story than what I’ve read thus far, and I don’t claim to know the whole issue… but come on Mr. Hayes, the chocolate salty ball is in your court to clear your name of being a serious hypocrite.

The Simpsons in Real Life

No, I’m not talking about me actually being a Simpson (I’m Matt, not Bart or Homer, hell that’s old already)… I’m talking about real life people actually acting out the timeless “The Simpsons” cartoon introduction that my generation loves so much.

It’s pretty amazing and very well done, almost to a T. The only issue I noticed on first watch was when the end-of-day whistle blows at the Nuclear power plant and homer is rushing off, the glowing power-rod doesn’t stick to his back like it does in the cartoon introduction, yet he still pulls it out and tosses it when he’s driving in the car on the way home. Minor detail of course.

Did you see anything else missing?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49IDp76kjP

P.S. Thank-you Karla for forwarding me the link to this! Mucho gracias.

Ugly Coding Standards Are Standard?

I just read through the manual on the much anticipated Zend Framework and for the most part, I really like the implementation. It is a collection of a number of classes I already use from around the net, which is fine by me. True, PHP is in dire need of a good framework that everyone can standardize on. Right? Yeah, well, I think so, but I’m not really sure… Isn’t that what Pear is? (as a friend reminded me this morning).

My major problem is their stupid coding standards; I honestly hardly agree with a single one of them… it actually makes me angry. Here are a few that I read through until I got so mad I just closed the damn manual website and did something else (wrote this angry blog post).

B.2.2. Indentation
Use an indent of 4 spaces, with no tabs.

I despise spaces in code… why hit the space bar 4 times when you could hit tab 1 time? So what, you have different editors with different default tab stops… who cares, it’s a preference. I refuse to use spaces.

B.2.3. Maximum Line Length
The target line length is 80 characters, i.e. developers should aim keep code as close to the 80-column boundary as is practical. However, longer lines are acceptable. The maximum length of any line of PHP code is 120 characters.

No way, not in a million years. I like long lines… sure, I may have to scroll horizontally to see some code, but it is a hell of a lot simpler to read if you’re looking at the whole file or a large chunk of code.

B.3.3. Filenames
Files that are containers for single classes are derived from the class names (see above) in the format “ZClassName.php”.

Whatever… this is silly. Have they ever used an FTP client before? Some clients by default change filenames to lowercase when the upload files… like they should be. As far as I’m concerned filenames on the net should be a-z 0-9 – _ . period. If everything is in lowercase you never have to worry about case-sensitive operating systems.

B.3.5. Variables
Variable names may only contain alphanumeric characters. Underscores are not permitted. Numbers are permitted in variable names but are discouraged.

Whatever… again, I use $variable_name and refuse to use $variableName… If you have the words “some string” does it make more sense to say someString or does it look more accurate to say some_string. My opinion is the later. camelCaps is ugly in PHP code. I agree with their definition of Constants, but it leads to the question of… if underscores are permitted in constants, why not in variable names? If the answer is to clearly separate the two, then why shouldn’t variable names be all lowercase and constants be all upper case.

B.4.2.4. String Concatenation
Strings may be concatenated using the “.” operator. A space must always be added before and after the “.” operator to improve readability.

$whatever = “that is “.$tupid;

I just give up… I refuse to conform to that less-efficient “standard”. My own personal “standard” is almost the exact opposite of this Zend outline and in my opinion it is much nicer to read through and work from. I’m actually a Graphic Designer turned developer… my whole education and philosophy revolve around making things look good and stay functional… I personally think I’m qualified enough to say those standards stink.

Duhbya Says What?

After not blogging for a little while I couldn’t help myself today when I was reading an article on MarketWatch about US President George Bush allowing a company owned by his daddy’s big powerful friends, I mean, the United Arab Emirates to purchase six of the USA’s Seaports…

Congress “ought to look at the facts and understand the consequences of what they’re going to do,” Bush told reporters aboard Air Force One.

I’m not joking, that quote (according to the article) actually came from George W Bush… Wow, talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I couldn’t believe it! *laughing* Here’s a quote for you:

George Bush and Congress “ought to look at the facts and understand the consequences of what they’re going to do,” before invading foreign countries in illegal wars over oil and control, busting heads, blowing up villages, civilians and children.

On that note, I’m not even American and I installed this funny little Widget for Mac OS X called Duhbya’s Days Are Numbered which shows the days, hours, minutes and seconds left of Duhbya’s presidency. Maybe check it out if you’re a Mac user.